The Real Deal: How My Body Changed

So this one is for my GFs who have NOT had children yet. I am pretty blunt, so I am going to give it to you straight about what your body will do. Don't be scared, its natural and all mothers have been through it. Just ask yourself, if "EVERYONE in the entire world jumped off the SF bridge, would you do it?"

The corrrect answer: YES!!! If Posh jumps, then I am jumping too!

1) veins: Right when you get pregnant and before your pee stick says PREGNANT, you will notice blue veins running along your upper chest like a road map.

Spider veins: My mom has little ones here and there and yes, I am getting them too. I may not have stretch marks (yet!) but I do see my lovely little spider veins on my legs.

2) Nipples: Can triple in size (like mine did) and turn a very deep squid ink purple. Dark patches of nipple color will form around your nipple and spread. I hear it goes away after birth. I am counting on it!

3) Prenatal vitamins: Make me feel like I am a cow, because my poo smells like GRASS! As if I was walking though Hidden Valley Ranch and stumbled upon a cow pasture. Also, you poo will be heavy (high in iron?). I am talking a deep sixer in 1second. it will be more robust in smell and weight. And if you are lucky, your DH won't notice. I am not of the lucky ones.

4) Mucuous: You will be able to smell yourself because you will produce a crap load of mucuous. Nice, huh?

This scares me even more, because DH and I have this friend who claims he can smell any woman. Gross, huh? And why would he share this info with me? He brags he can smell a woman on her cycle. This leaves me with a digusted look on my face. So suffice, to say, I keep my distance from him, especially lately.

5) Boobies will leak: A fluid called collostrum will beging to leak out of your boobs. I sleep on my side and squish them at night and thus, wake up with boobie crust in my nipple ducts/holes. Just pick them out like eye boogers. A cool trick to pull on your partner? Let him kiss them goodbye. Trust me, they will love kissing them as they will have grown 3 times the size of your original breast. Then when he has his mouth on the nipple and is sucking, give the boob a squeeze and squirt some of that sour and warm fluid into their mouth.

I did. It was a riot. Though I was the only one laughing.

6) Hair: Will look FABULOUS! And will grow like crazy. Since the BFP, I have cut a total of 7 inches and am looking to cut 3 more tomorrow, if that salon is open. Same thing for your nails and toenails. Now you can see why so many pregnant women ahve nasty toenails...bc they grow like crazy and your belly will prevent you from checking the status of them.

7) Gas: you will have more gas, but the good thing is that it won't stick. Well, mine really doesn't. It just trapped air. Am I lying? Let me prove it to you when I see you.

8) Sex: Will be a lot better and you will want it more. But be careful if you hit yoru cervix too much. You could end up bleeding a little because of all the blood cells in that area.

DH going down? Hahaha! You won't be able to see crap anymore. For all you know, he could be napping down there.


9) We've got BUSH!!!- So yeah, your bush will grow like a chia pet on crack. You may only notice this if you wax your privates. Don't be scared, get waxed with Gigi. Might I recommend the GiGi Brazilian Hairwax kit? Its about $15 and is the best on the market. You can find it at fine beauty supply stores. Now I have self waxed for many years using products from the drugstore, to even buying my own wax heater/warmer and professional supplies. The GiGi system is great, bc its not messy, you dont need baby powder and the hair just seems to slow in growth. I never go these results with the other products.


Update: So now that I am sporting this beautiful little buddha belly, I can no longer see my privates anymore. This makes waxing a biatch. Surprisingly, I am still able to do it myself..I know, ouch! I have to feel the hairs with my fingers before I apply this wax. I think I may do it one more time before I give up and see the professional for my final wax. I had better call and make an appointment so that I am not too late and my baby starts to crown while she's doing the wax. Eeew, sicko.


That is all I can think of now. I'll be sure to post more as I experience more of the beauty of pregnancy.

TTFN
M